MISS MURRAY now always went
twice to church, for she so loved
admiration that she could not
bear to lose a single opportunity
of obtaining it; and she was
so sure of it wherever she showed
herself, that, whether Harry
Meltham and Mr. Green were there
or not, there was certain to
be somebody present who would
not be insensible to her charms,
besides the Rector, whose official
capacity generally obliged him
to attend. Usually, also, if
the weather permitted, both she
and her sister would walk home;
Matilda, because she hated the
confinement of the carriage;
she, because she disliked the
privacy of it, and enjoyed the
company that generally enlivened
the first mile of the journey
in walking from the church to
Mr. Green's park-gates: near
which commenced the private road
to Horton Lodge, which lay in
the opposite direction, while
the highway conducted in a straightforward
course to the still more distant
mansion of Sir Hugh Meltham.
Thus there was always a chance
of being accompanied, so far,
either by Harry Meltham, with
or without Miss Meltham, or Mr.
Green, with perhaps one or both
of his sisters, and any gentlemen
visitors they might
have.
Whether I walked with the young
ladies or rode with their parents,
depended upon their own capricious
will: if they chose to 'take'
me, I went; if, for reasons best
known to themselves, they chose
to go alone, I took my seat in
the carriage. I liked walking
better, but a sense of reluctance
to obtrude my presence on anyone
who did not desire it, always
kept me passive on these and
similar occasions; and I never
inquired into the causes of their
varying whims. Indeed, this was
the best policy - for to submit
and oblige was the governess's
part, to consult their own pleasure
was that of the pupils. But when
I did walk, the first half of
journey was generally a great
nuisance to me. As none of the
before-mentioned ladies and gentlemen
ever noticed me, it was disagreeable
to walk beside them, as if listening
to what they said, or wishing
to be thought one of them, while
they talked over me, or across;
and if their eyes, in speaking,
chanced to fall on me, it seemed
as if they looked on vacancy
- as if they either did not see
me, or were very desirous to
make it appear so. It was disagreeable,
too, to walk behind, and thus
appear to acknowledge my own
inferiority; for, in truth, I
considered myself pretty nearly
as good as the best of them,
and wished them to know that
I did so, and not to imagine
that I looked upon myself as
a mere domestic, who knew her
own place too well to walk beside
such fine ladies and gentlemen
as they were - though her young
ladies might choose to have her
with them, and even condescend
to converse with her when no
better company were at hand.
Thus - I am almost ashamed to
confess it - but indeed I gave
myself no little trouble in my
endeavours (if I did keep up
with them) to appear perfectly
unconscious or regardless of
their presence, as if I were
wholly absorbed in my own reflections,
or the contemplation of surrounding
objects; or, if I lingered behind,
it was some bird or insect, some
tree or flower, that attracted
my attention, and having duly
examined that, I would pursue
my walk alone, at a leisurely
pace, until my pupils had bidden
adieu to their companions and
turned off into the quiet private
road.
One such occasion I particularly
well remember; it was a lovely
afternoon about the close of
March; Mr. Green and his sisters
had sent their carriage back
empty, in order to enjoy the
bright sunshine and balmy air
in a sociable walk home along
with their visitors, Captain
Somebody and Lieutenant Somebody-else
(a couple of military fops),
and the Misses Murray, who, of
course, contrived to join them.
Such a party was highly agreeable
to Rosalie; but not finding it
equally suitable to my taste,
I presently fell back, and began
to botanise and entomologise
along the green banks and budding
hedges, till the company was
considerably in advance of me,
and I could hear the sweet song
of the happy lark; then my spirit
of misanthropy began to melt
away beneath the soft, pure air
and genial sunshine; but sad
thoughts of early childhood,
and yearnings for departed joys,
or for a brighter future lot,
arose instead. As my eyes wandered
over the steep banks covered
with young grass and green-leaved
plants, and surmounted by budding
hedges, I longed intensely for
some familiar flower that might
recall the woody dales or green
hill-sides of home: the brown
moorlands, of course, were out
of the question. Such a discovery
would make my eyes gush out with
water, no doubt; but that was
one of my greatest enjoyments
now. At length I descried, high
up between the twisted roots
of an oak, three lovely primroses,
peeping so sweetly from their
hiding-place that the tears already
started at the sight; but they
grew so high above me, that I
tried in vain to gather one or
two, to dream over and to carry
with me: I could not reach them
unless I climbed the bank, which
I was deterred from doing by
hearing a footstep at that moment
behind me, and was, therefore,
about to turn away, when I was
startled by the words, 'Allow
me to gather them for you, Miss
Grey,' spoken in the grave, low
tones of a well-known voice.
Immediately the flowers were
gathered, and in my hand. It
was Mr. Weston, of course - who
else would trouble himself to
do so much for ME?
'I thanked him; whether warmly
or coldly, I cannot tell: but
certain I am that I did not express
half the gratitude I felt. It
was foolish, perhaps, to feel
any gratitude at all; but it
seemed to me, at that moment,
as if this were a remarkable
instance of his good-nature:
an act of kindness, which I could
not repay, but never should forget:
so utterly unaccustomed was I
to receive such civilities, so
little prepared to expect them
from anyone within fifty miles
of Horton Lodge. Yet this did
not prevent me from feeling a
little uncomfortable in his presence;
and I proceeded to follow my
pupils at a much quicker pace
than before; though, perhaps,
if Mr. Weston had taken the hint,
and let me pass without another
word, I might have repeated it
an hour after: but he did not.
A somewhat rapid walk for me
was but an ordinary pace for
him.
'Your young ladies have left
you alone,' said he.
'Yes, they are occupied with
more agreeable company.'
'Then don't trouble yourself
to overtake them.' I slackened
my pace; but next moment regretted
having done so: my companion
did not speak; and I had nothing
in the world to say, and feared
he might be in the same predicament.
At length, however, he broke
the pause by asking, with a certain
quiet abruptness peculiar to
himself, if I liked flowers.
'Yes; very much,' I answered,
'wild-flowers especially.'
'I like wild-flowers,' said
he; 'others I don't care about,
because I have no particular
associations connected with them
- except one or two. What are
your favourite flowers?'
'Primroses, blue-bells, and
heath-blossoms.'
'Not violets?'
'No; because, as you say, I
have no particular associations
connected with them; for there
are no sweet violets among the
hills and valleys round my home.'
'It must be a great consolation
to you to have a home, Miss Grey,'
observed my companion after a
short pause: 'however remote,
or however seldom visited, still
it is something to look to.'
'It is so much that I think
I could not live without it,'
replied I, with an enthusiasm
of which I immediately repented;
for I thought it must have sounded
essentially silly.
'Oh, yes, you
could,' said he, with a thoughtful
smile.
'The ties that bind us to life
are tougher than you imagine,
or than anyone can who has not
felt how roughly they may be
pulled without breaking. You
might be miserable without a
home, but even YOU could live;
and not so miserably as you suppose.
The human heart is like india-rubber;
a little swells it, but a great
deal will not burst it. If "little
more than nothing will disturb
it, little less than all things
will suffice" to break it. As
in the outer members of our frame,
there is a vital power inherent
in itself that strengthens it
against external violence. Every
blow that shakes it will serve
to harden it against a future
stroke; as constant labour thickens
the skin of the hand, and strengthens
its muscles instead of wasting
them away: so that a day of arduous
toil, that might excoriate a
lady's palm, would make no sensible
impression on that of a hardy
ploughman.
'I speak from experience -
partly my own. There was a time
when I thought as you do - at
least, I was fully persuaded
that home and its affections
were the only things that made
life tolerable: that, if deprived
of these, existence would become
a burden hard to be endured;
but now I have no home - unless
you would dignify my two hired
rooms at Horton by such a name;
- and not twelve months ago I
lost the last and dearest of
my early friends; and yet, not
only I live, but I am not wholly
destitute of hope and comfort,
even for this life: though I
must acknowledge that I can seldom
enter even an humble cottage
at the close of day, and see
its inhabitants peaceably gathered
around their cheerful hearth,
without a feeling ALMOST of envy
at their domestic enjoyment.'
'You don't know what happiness
lies before you yet,' said I:
'you are now only in the commencement
of your journey.'
'The best of happiness,' replied
he, 'is mine already - the power
and the will to be useful.'
We now approached a stile communicating
with a footpath that conducted
to a farm-house, where, I suppose,
Mr. Weston purposed to make himself
'useful;' for he presently took
leave of me, crossed the stile,
and traversed the path with his
usual firm, elastic tread, leaving
me to ponder his words as I continued
my course alone. I had heard
before that he had lost his mother
not many months before he came.
She then was the last and dearest
of his early friends; and he
had NO HOME. I pitied him from
my heart: I almost wept for sympathy.
And this, I thought, accounted
for the shade of premature thoughtfulness
that so frequently clouded his
brow, and obtained for him the
reputation of a morose and sullen
disposition with the charitable
Miss Murray and all her kin.
'But,' thought I, 'he is not
so miserable as I should be under
such a deprivation: he leads
an active life; and a wide field
for useful exertion lies before
him. He can MAKE friends; and
he can make a home too, if he
pleases; and, doubtless, he will
please some time. God grant the
partner of that home may be worthy
of his choice, and make it a
happy one - such a home as he
deserves to have! And how delightful
it would be to - ' But no matter
what I thought.
I began this book with the
intention of concealing nothing;
that those who liked might have
the benefit of perusing a fellow-
creature's heart: but we have
some thoughts that all the angels
in heaven are welcome to behold,
but not our brother-men - not
even the best and kindest amongst
them.
By this time the Greens had
taken themselves to their own
abode, and the Murrays had turned
down the private road, whither
I hastened to follow them. I
found the two girls warm in an
animated discussion on the respective
merits of the two young officers;
but on seeing me Rosalie broke
off in the middle of a sentence
to exclaim, with malicious glee
-
'Oh-ho, Miss Grey! you're come
at last, are you? No WONDER you
lingered so long behind; and
no WONDER you always stand up
so vigorously for Mr. Weston
when I abuse him. Ah-ha! I see
it all now!'
'Now, come, Miss Murray, don't
be foolish,' said I, attempting
a good-natured laugh; 'you know
such nonsense can make no impression
on me.'
But she still went on talking
such intolerable stuff - her
sister helping her with appropriate
fiction coined for the occasion
- that I thought it necessary
to say something in my own justification.
'What folly all this is!' I
exclaimed. 'If Mr. Weston's road
happened to be the same as mine
for a few yards, and if he chose
to exchange a word or two in
passing, what is there so remarkable
in that? I assure you, I never
spoke to him before: except once.'
'Where? where? and when?' cried
they eagerly.
'In Nancy's cottage.'
'Ah-ha! you've met him there,
have you?' exclaimed Rosalie,
with exultant laughter. 'Ah!
now, Matilda, I've found out
why she's so fond of going to
Nancy Brown's! She goes there
to flirt with Mr. Weston.'
'Really, that is not worth
contradicting - I only saw him
there once, I tell you - and
how could I know he was coming?'
Irritated as I was at their
foolish mirth and vexatious imputations,
the uneasiness did not continue
long: when they had had their
laugh out, they returned again
to the captain and lieutenant;
and, while they disputed and
commented upon them, my indignation
rapidly cooled; the cause of
it was quickly forgotten, and
I turned my thoughts into a pleasanter
channel. Thus we proceeded up
the park, and entered the hall;
and as I ascended the stairs
to my own chamber, I had but
one thought within me: my heart
was filled to overflowing with
one single earnest wish. Having
entered the room, and shut the
door, I fell upon my knees and
offered up a fervent but not
impetuous prayer: 'Thy will be
done,' I strove to say throughout;
but, 'Father, all things are
possible with Thee, and may it
be Thy will,' was sure to follow.
That wish - that prayer - both
men and women would have scorned
me for - 'But, Father, THOU wilt
NOT despise!' I said, and felt
that it was true. It seemed to
me that another's welfare was
at least as ardently implored
for as my own; nay, even THAT
was the principal object of my
heart's desire. I might have
been deceiving myself; but that
idea gave me confidence to ask,
and power to hope I did not ask
in vain. As for the primroses,
I kept two of them in a glass
in my room until they were completely
withered, and the housemaid threw
them out; and the petals of the
other I pressed between the leaves
of my Bible - I have them still,
and mean to keep them always.
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