WELL, when they was all gone
the king he asks Mary Jane how
they was off for spare rooms,
and she said she had one spare
room, which would do for Uncle
William, and she'd give her own
room to Uncle Harvey, which was
a little bigger, and she would
turn into the room with her sisters
and sleep on a cot; and up garret
was a little cubby, with a pallet
in it. The king said the cubby
would do for his valley -- meaning
me.
So Mary Jane took us up, and
she showed them their rooms,
which was plain but nice. She
said she'd have her frocks and
a lot of other traps took out
of her room if they was in Uncle
Harvey's way, but he said they
warn't. The frocks was hung along
the wall, and before them was
a curtain made out of calico
that hung down to the floor.
There was an old hair trunk in
one corner, and a guitar-box
in another, and all sorts of
little knickknacks and jimcracks
around, like girls brisken up
a room with. The king said it
was all the more homely and more
pleasanter for these fixings,
and so don't disturb them. The
duke's room was pretty small,
but plenty good enough, and so
was my cubby.
That night
they had a big supper, and
all them men and women was
there, and I stood behind the
king and the duke's chairs and
waited on them, and the niggers
waited on the rest. Mary Jane
she set at the head of the table,
with Susan alongside of her,
and said how bad the biscuits
was, and how mean the preserves
was, and how ornery and tough
the fried chickens was -- and
all that kind of rot, the way
women always do for to force
out compliments; and the people
all knowed everything was tiptop,
and said so -- said "How DO you
get biscuits to brown so nice?" and "Where,
for the land's sake, DID you
get these amaz'n pickles?" and
all that kind of humbug talky-talk,
just the way people always does
at a supper, you know.
And when it was all done me
and the hare-lip had supper in
the kitchen off of the leavings,
whilst the others was helping
the niggers clean up the things.
The hare-lip she got to pumping
me about England, and blest if
I didn't think the ice was getting
mighty thin sometimes. She says:
"Did you ever
see the king?"
"Who? William Fourth? Well,
I bet I have -- he goes to our
church." I knowed he was dead
years ago, but I never let on.
So when I says he goes to our
church, she says:
"What -- regular?"
"Yes -- regular.
His pew's right over opposite
ourn -- on
t'other side the pulpit."
"I thought
he lived in London?"
"Well, he does.
Where WOULD he live?"
"But I thought
YOU lived in Sheffield?"
I see I was up a stump. I had
to let on to get choked with
a chicken bone, so as to get
time to think how to get down
again. Then I says:
"I mean he
goes to our church regular
when he's in Sheffield.
That's only in the summer time,
when he comes there to take the
sea baths."
"Why, how you
talk -- Sheffield ain't on
the sea."
"Well, who
said it was?"
"Why, you did."
"I DIDN'T nuther."
"You did!"
"I didn't."
"You did."
"I never said
nothing of the kind."
"Well, what
DID you say, then?"
"Said he come
to take the sea BATHS -- that's
what I said."
"Well, then,
how's he going to take the
sea baths if it ain't
on the sea?"
"Looky here," I says; "did
you ever see any Congress-water?"
"Yes."
"Well, did
you have to go to Congress
to get it?"
"Why, no."
"Well, neither
does William Fourth have to
go to the sea
to get a sea bath."
"How does he
get it, then?"
"Gets it the
way people down here gets Congresswater
-- in
barrels. There in the palace
at Sheffield they've got furnaces,
and he wants his water hot. They
can't bile that amount of water
away off there at the sea. They
haven't got no conveniences for
it."
"Oh, I see,
now. You might a said that
in the first place
and saved time."
When she said that I see I
was out of the woods again, and
so I was comfortable and glad.
Next, she says:
"Do you go
to church, too?"
"Yes -- regular."
"Where do you
set?"
"Why, in our
pew."
"WHOSE pew?"
"Why, OURN
-- your Uncle Harvey's."
"His'n? What
does HE want with a pew?"
"Wants it to
set in. What did you RECKON
he wanted with it?"
"Why, I thought
he'd be in the pulpit."
Rot him, I forgot he was a
preacher. I see I was up a stump
again, so I played another chicken
bone and got another think. Then
I says:
"Blame it,
do you suppose there ain't
but one preacher to a church?"
"Why, what
do they want with more?"
"What! -- to
preach before a king? I never
did see such
a girl as you. They don't have
no less than seventeen."
"Seventeen!
My land! Why, I wouldn't set
out such a string
as that, not if I NEVER got to
glory. It must take 'em a week."
"Shucks, they
don't ALL of 'em preach the
same day -- only
ONE of 'em."
"Well, then,
what does the rest of 'em do?"
"Oh, nothing
much. Loll around, pass the
plate -- and one thing
or another. But mainly they don't
do nothing."
"Well, then,
what are they FOR?"
"Why, they're
for STYLE. Don't you know nothing?"
"Well, I don't
WANT to know no such foolishness
as that.
How is servants treated in England?
Do they treat 'em better 'n we
treat our niggers?"
"NO! A servant
ain't nobody there. They treat
them worse
than dogs."
"Don't they
give 'em holidays, the way
we do, Christmas and
New Year's week, and Fourth of
July?"
"Oh, just listen!
A body could tell YOU hain't
ever been to
England by that. Why, Hare-l
-- why, Joanna, they never see
a holiday from year's end to
year's end; never go to the circus,
nor theater, nor nigger shows,
nor nowheres."
"Nor church?"
"Nor church."
"But YOU always
went to church."
Well, I was gone up again.
I forgot I was the old man's
servant. But next minute I whirled
in on a kind of an explanation
how a valley was different from
a common servant and HAD to go
to church whether he wanted to
or not, and set with the family,
on account of its being the law.
But I didn't do it pretty good,
and when I got done I see she
warn't satisfied. She says:
"Honest injun,
now, hain't you been telling
me a lot of
lies?"
"Honest injun," says
I.
"None of it
at all?"
"None of it at all. Not a lie
in it," says I.
"Lay your hand
on this book and say it."
I see it warn't nothing but
a dictionary, so I laid my hand
on it and said it. So then she
looked a little better satisfied,
and says:
"Well, then,
I'll believe some of it; but
I hope to gracious
if I'll believe the rest."
"What is it you won't believe,
Joe?" says Mary Jane, stepping
in with Susan behind her. "It
ain't right nor kind for you
to talk so to him, and him a
stranger and so far from his
people. How would you like to
be treated so?"
"That's always
your way, Maim -- always sailing
in to help
somebody before they're hurt.
I hain't done nothing to him.
He's told some stretchers, I
reckon, and I said I wouldn't
swallow it all; and that's every
bit and grain I DID say. I reckon
he can stand a little thing like
that, can't he?"
"I don't care
whether 'twas little or whether
'twas big;
he's here in our house and a
stranger, and it wasn't good
of you to say it. If you was
in his place it would make you
feel ashamed; and so you oughtn't
to say a thing to another person
that will make THEM feel ashamed."
"Why, Maim,
he said --"
"It don't make
no difference what he SAID
-- that ain't the
thing. The thing is for you to
treat him KIND, and not be saying
things to make him remember he
ain't in his own country and
amongst his own folks."
I says to myself, THIS is a
girl that I'm letting that old
reptle rob her of her money!
Then Susan SHE waltzed in;
and if you'll believe me, she
did give Hare-lip hark from the
tomb!
Says I to myself, and this
is ANOTHER one that I'm letting
him rob her of her money!
Then Mary Jane she took another
inning, and went in sweet and
lovely again -- which was her
way; but when she got done there
warn't hardly anything left o'
poor Hare-lip. So she hollered.
"All right, then," says the
other girls; "you just ask his
pardon."
She done it, too; and she done
it beautiful. She done it so
beautiful it was good to hear;
and I wished I could tell her
a thousand lies, so she could
do it again.
I says to myself, this is ANOTHER
one that I'm letting him rob
her of her money. And when she
got through they all jest laid
theirselves out to make me feel
at home and know I was amongst
friends. I felt so ornery and
low down and mean that I says
to myself, my mind's made up;
I'll hive that money for them
or bust.
So then I lit out -- for bed,
I said, meaning some time or
another. When I got by myself
I went to thinking the thing
over. I says to myself, shall
I go to that doctor, private,
and blow on these frauds? No
-- that won't do. He might tell
who told him; then the king and
the duke would make it warm for
me. Shall I go, private, and
tell Mary Jane? No -- I dasn't
do it. Her face would give them
a hint, sure; they've got the
money, and they'd slide right
out and get away with it. If
she was to fetch in help I'd
get mixed up in the business
before it was done with, I judge.
No; there ain't no good way but
one. I got to steal that money,
somehow; and I got to steal it
some way that they won't suspicion
that I done it. They've got a
good thing here, and they ain't
a-going to leave till they've
played this family and this town
for all they're worth, so I'll
find a chance time enough. I'll
steal it and hide it; and by
and by, when I'm away down the
river, I'll write a letter and
tell Mary Jane where it's hid.
But I better hive it tonight
if I can, because the doctor
maybe hasn't let up as much as
he lets on he has; he might scare
them out of here yet.
So, thinks I, I'll go and search
them rooms. Upstairs the hall
was dark, but I found the duke's
room, and started to paw around
it with my hands; but I recollected
it wouldn't be much like the
king to let anybody else take
care of that money but his own
self; so then I went to his room
and begun to paw around there.
But I see I couldn't do nothing
without a candle, and I dasn't
light one, of course. So I judged
I'd got to do the other thing
-- lay for them and eavesdrop.
About that time I hears their
footsteps coming, and was going
to skip under the bed; I reached
for it, but it wasn't where I
thought it would be; but I touched
the curtain that hid Mary Jane's
frocks, so I jumped in behind
that and snuggled in amongst
the gowns, and stood there perfectly
still.
They come in and shut the door;
and the first thing the duke
done was to get down and look
under the bed. Then I was glad
I hadn't found the bed when I
wanted it. And yet, you know,
it's kind of natural to hide
under the bed when you are up
to anything private. They sets
down then, and the king says:
"Well, what
is it? And cut it middlin'
short, because it's
better for us to be down there
a-whoopin' up the mournin' than
up here givin' 'em a chance to
talk us over."
"Well, this
is it, Capet. I ain't easy;
I ain't comfortable.
That doctor lays on my mind.
I wanted to know your plans.
I've got a notion, and I think
it's a sound one."
"What is it,
duke?"
"That we better
glide out of this before three
in the morning,
and clip it down the river with
what we've got. Specially, seeing
we got it so easy -- GIVEN back
to us, flung at our heads, as
you may say, when of course we
allowed to have to steal it back.
I'm for knocking off and lighting
out."
That made me feel pretty bad.
About an hour or two ago it would
a been a little different, but
now it made me feel bad and disappointed,
The king rips out and says:
"What! And
not sell out the rest o' the
property? March off
like a passel of fools and leave
eight or nine thous'n' dollars'
worth o' property layin' around
jest sufferin' to be scooped
in? -- and all good, salable
stuff, too."
The duke he grumbled; said
the bag of gold was enough, and
he didn't want to go no deeper
-- didn't want to rob a lot of
orphans of EVERYTHING they had.
"Why, how you talk!" says the
king. "We sha'n't rob 'em of
nothing at all but jest this
money. The people that BUYS the
property is the suff'rers; because
as soon 's it's found out 'at
we didn't own it -- which won't
be long after we've slid -- the
sale won't be valid, and it 'll
all go back to the estate. These
yer orphans 'll git their house
back agin, and that's enough
for THEM; they're young and spry,
and k'n easy earn a livin'. THEY
ain't a-goin to suffer. Why,
jest think -- there's thous'n's
and thous'n's that ain't nigh
so well off. Bless you, THEY
ain't got noth'n' to complain
of."
Well, the king he talked him
blind; so at last he give in,
and said all right, but said
he believed it was blamed foolishness
to stay, and that doctor hanging
over them. But the king says:
"Cuss the doctor!
What do we k'yer for HIM? Hain't
we got
all the fools in town on our
side? And ain't that a big enough
majority in any town?"
So they got ready to go down
stairs again. The duke says:
"I don't think
we put that money in a good
place."
That cheered me up. I'd begun
to think I warn't going to get
a hint of no kind to help me.
The king says:
"Why?"
"Because Mary
Jane 'll be in mourning from
this out; and first
you know the nigger that does
up the rooms will get an order
to box these duds up and put
'em away; and do you reckon a
nigger can run across money and
not borrow some of it?"
"Your head's level agin, duke," says
the king; and he comes a-fumbling
under the curtain two or three
foot from where I was. I stuck
tight to the wall and kept mighty
still, though quivery; and I
wondered what them fellows would
say to me if they catched me;
and I tried to think what I'd
better do if they did catch me.
But the king he got the bag before
I could think more than about
a half a thought, and he never
suspicioned I was around. They
took and shoved the bag through
a rip in the straw tick that
was under the feather-bed, and
crammed it in a foot or two amongst
the straw and said it was all
right now, because a nigger only
makes up the feather-bed, and
don't turn over the straw tick
only about twice a year, and
so it warn't in no danger of
getting stole now.
But I knowed better. I had
it out of there before they was
half-way down stairs. I groped
along up to my cubby, and hid
it there till I could get a chance
to do better. I judged I better
hide it outside of the house
somewheres, because if they missed
it they would give the house
a good ransacking: I knowed that
very well. Then I turned in,
with my clothes all on; but I
couldn't a gone to sleep if I'd
a wanted to, I was in such a
sweat to get through with the
business. By and by I heard the
king and the duke come up; so
I rolled off my pallet and laid
with my chin at the top of my
ladder, and waited to see if
anything was going to happen.
But nothing did.
So I held on till all the late
sounds had quit and the early
ones hadn't begun yet; and then
I slipped down the ladder.
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